not a proud moment
[mood status:/ its been long since my last crappy wisdom entry!!..]
lately,
i am conscious about showing my frustration toward the people around
me.. when my head of department asked me, how was my oncall last night,
i answered "i lost my temper 4 times yesterday".. and we smiled!!
some
moments, i really like to take the role of a god.. you know, people
come to you in desperate for cure, relief of pain and anything that you
would expect from a doctor.. and i am in a position to that..
the
reality, doctors and nurses are licensed to handle other people bodily
secretions.. pus, vomit, bile, muconium.. not so glamerous for a god,
huh?
.. and by the way, blood smells and tastes like iron or steel, its not that bad if you think about it..
lately, there were many moments that i hate to be in the emergency department.. the first line of the hospital..
i
am not in the liberty to explore the limits of our health services..
which is fine by the way but struggling to compete with the hospitals
we see on TV..
but as the medical officer of that department, i come to the reality to enforce those limits everyday at work..
i watched Michael Moore’s ‘Sicko‘
the other day, that made me appreciate the government’s health services
that won’t deny anyone’s need.. except maybe the doctors and the
nurses’ need for sleep during the oncalls..
unfortunately, my customers are becoming more needy and more comfortable to ask for help.. and going against my nature ‘of pleasing everyone‘, i am given a task to put a stop for the "unnecessary needs"..
in some parts of the world, "medical loss"
is a term to describe the cost of a treatment to a patient.. to me, it
is when resources are put on a patient, that is better used on another
patient.. who has a bigger and more urgent need..
that is why i
can be such a "Bitch" when i talk to people lately.. because sometimes,
i just try to protect my own sanity, because i don’t need to hear every
little details and sad stories.. trying to convince me otherwise..
but what can u do?.. when you are in need, you are in need! right?
fortunately,
the Kota Bharu’s forensic MO, are called in to conduct the post-mortems
now.. that’s a HUGE relief.. not for them.. hehehe!!
but other
unpleasant medico-legal cases still fall under my jurisdiction, such as
Rape-victims, Rapists, battery, child abuse. neglect.. which are.. in
the rise..
i was examining a rapist, the other day, taking his
DNA VDRL blood samples, samples from his scalp hair and pubic hair..
and i cannot help to commend about his politeness and cooperation..
smooth quiet clean process.. we could have been friends, you know, if
it wasn’t for the hand-cuffs, the police and the entire unfortunate
incident..
but when i am out of the OSCC -one stop crisis
center- and back to the yellow and red zones next door.. children
crying.. elderly coughing with gas-nebulizers hissing oxygen through
the mask.. school-kids with amputated fingers.. mental-illed patient
claiming to be God’s best singer..
i have been punched at face.. once in the ER..
had my shirt soaked with blood to the point of disposal.. 2x..
been begged and cried at/to.. everyday..
two medical officers and a head department.. vs. an entire population of sick people..
this
picture from 2006 when i used to work at HRPZII.. who knew i’d end up
at Kuala Krai Hospital.. that’s where the ambulance is from..
today,
as i was completing my 32nd hour of the oncall, i received a call from
the district.. complaining about a statement i gave to his assistant..
asking for his help..
here is an advice.. do not get me angry
when i am bored and frustrated.. you are talking to the university’s
debate team ex-champion..
for the past 30 hours i was feeling
that control is slipping away from my hands.. but by attacking me and
complaining about a statement that can be interpreted in a good way but
chosen not to.. is just an invitation for me to get the control back
from you..
and boy!! do i fight dirty!!
people who really
know me.. knows that i use intimidation to suite a good purpose,
example to help patients to help themselves..
otherwise, i am
friendly in a much ways and maybe slightly too clingy.. and if i am
rude.. just remember, i am actually holding myself back..
i am
far more than capable to destroy someone with mere words.. and i am not
that far different from that school kid who used to pick a fight just
because i could so..
being
in the emergency department.. is an adventure.. and a challenge.. but
holding back my nastiness, my frustration and my ugly sides of me.. is
even more than that..
but when moments come and take the best of me.. i just need you to know that.. this is NOT a proud moment for me..
peace >:-(
